


I still care

by Kialna



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anger, Asperger's, Autism, Caring, Emotions, Family, Gen, Hate, Love, Misunderstandings, Sisters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-28
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2018-01-21 04:14:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1537130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kialna/pseuds/Kialna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Personal piece after some recent events.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I still care

**Author's Note:**

> All of this is real, and I wrote it through my own viewpoint.

I don't hate you. I never wanted you to hate me. All I wanted was rest in my head. And for you to understand me. 

But apparently you never did. I understand that my mind is different. I understand that I am hard to follow. You didn't chose to be of the same blood as I am. Nor did I choose for this disorder. You didn't choose for a sister like me. Nor did I ever wish for myself. 

I am not sure if you tried. But one thing is certain. I do not work the way 'normal' people work. Every time you compliment me, every thing I've ever heard eats me up from the inside and doesn't believe anything you say. I can't handle compliments, for I have always been told to be ugly, weird and strange. I can't handle compliments, because they make me feel uncomfortable. I do not understand the need of compliments. Unless I actually I did something good. When I inspire people, or when I fix something for you. Or my friends. Or who ever crosses my path. Then I understand the concept. 

Whenever you say _'finally you're downstairs'_ I cringe. Inside I am eating myself up, because I have to do a certain thing to be considered normal. Every time you said ' _finally you're wearing heels_ ' I felt stupid for wearing them, because I didn't wear them to look normal. I wore them because I liked them, not to be judged. Every time you said ' _finally you're going out like normal people_ ' I felt hurt because I wasn't normal and I knew. All of these things made me want to do the opposite. Retreat and lock myself up. Because I was a _**freak**._

You have never been bullied on a young age. You have never been hurt on a young age. You have never lost your faith in people on a young age. You were lucky. Only very recently you found out how cruel people can be. You thought I was pretentious and unnecessary cold on the subject. The truth is that I have been battling with cruelty ever since I stepped my foot outside the door to go to school. I have been battling with demons on the school terrain. I was alone because no one liked me, except those who were different, just like me. From a young age, I was told that I was weird, different and stupid. And when you hear that over and over again, until you're in your late teens, you have trouble believing differently. No matter how much you've changed. No matter how many people tell me I'm pretty now and how much I've changed.

I still feel like I'm the outcast. The weirdo. And so I will always feel. And it isn't my fault. I got taught basic human understanding because I wasn't hard-wired to do so. Unlike you, I had to learn how humans behave. And sometimes, I still don't understand. Sometimes, I still get the error message in my brain. I can't handle emotions like you do. Emotions to me are just feelings that never reach my brain. I can feel sad. I can feel happy. I can feel angry. The basic instincts are there. But most of the time it's concentrated in an area. Not reaching my brain, feeling like it's disconnected. You know it's there, but it can't be processed. You know that what you're feeling is categorised as 'disappointed'. But you can't process it. You have to reason it. 

And you never understood this. I won't say you never tried. Maybe you did. Maybe you gave up on it. The truth is, you've been treating me the last few years as a normal human being. Sounds good, but it isn't. I don't understand normal human beings. I try very hard to do so. It costs me a lot of energy and time to understand people. I got quite good at it, but that doesn't mean I am good at understanding myself. I can read how people feel, but can I read how I feel myself? I can't.

When you told me that you wished that I wasn't there, I felt hurt. When you told me you didn't see me as your sister any more, I felt broken. When you said I did all of this on purpose, I felt misunderstood. And I couldn't say a thing, for you were already shouting and leaving for upstairs. I have never, and would never, say such things to you. You are my sister and I care about you. Even if we're much too different. I didn't delete you because I hated you. I deleted you because I needed rest in my head. I choose who I want to see on the internet carefully. I see too much pain and too much things that agitate me online. Things that annoy me. 

This is why I did this. So I could see you in real life. I am not interested in everything you do, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. I never changed my behaviour towards you. I still laughed with you. I still cared. When you valued my friendship online more than what I did in real life, I was hurt. And I couldn't believe you'd rate the internet higher than the real world. 

_“It's just a website”_ You wouldn't listen.  
 _“I need a happy place.”_ You thought I meant you made me unhappy.  
 _“You're still my sister.”_ _**“You're not mine.”**_

I am not untouched. I could feel my inner demons rise again. 

_“It's your fault!”_ \- I didn't mean to!  
 _“You're the freak”_ \- I know! I am sorry!  
 _“You're weird”_ \- I try not to..  
 _“You're stupid”_ \- I...  
 _“You're ugly”_ \- I know.

Shaking and feeling faint.

 _“I love you”_ \- Why? Why would anyone love me?  
 _“I care about you”_ \- No, you just care about my attention.  
 _“I'll just sit on your lap until you relax”_ \- Why?... I'm.............an **arsehole.**

On the couch with a cat on my lap. She can't talk. She can't hurt me. Only look at me. She doesn't judge me because I'm different. She doesn't care I'm different. But I do. I never meant to hurt anyone. Much less family.

During my life I've been called 'Robot', 'Spock' and 'Sherlock'. And not in a good way. I am not distant because I hate you. I am distant because I'm constantly _scared_. Scared of saying the wrong things. I avoid touchy subjects because I never say the right things. 

I got proven right. Once more. It's not what I want, it's not what I chose for.  
There's just one thing I want. And that's for my family to understand me for who I am and accept me for that. We're blood, not friends. But I never hated anyone. Not you, not that bully and not the adults who declared me crazy. 

Hate is not in my nature. Just accept me for who I am.  
No love required. Understanding will do.


End file.
